Fancy Feet

Recent conversation between my 5 year old and her dad:

JJ:   Dad do you see the decorations on my shoes?

Dad:   Yes, they are very nice.

JJ:   You know this one says I love boys!

Dad:   Yeah!

JJ:   Dad, but I only love two boys–you and Jus.tin Bi.eber!

Dad:   You better!  *cheesy smile*

*Sigh, she is such a daddy’s girl*

A new season

I heart this time of year.

The fall is a time that school starts and leaves fall from the trees…a time of new beginnings and great anticipation.  Personally, I am so excited that JJ is beginning kindergarten. I am so hyped! Last night, we met her kindergarten teacher and I don’t know whose smile was wider hers, mine or her dad.

Finally, I feel like that she and I are finally getting into a groove. While she learning to read and write.  I am learning self acceptance and independence. 

Should I mention that I have signed up for a few PTA committees and JJ will start soccer, swimming classes and Sunday school. Side bar, I guess I am officially a soccer mom.  Wow!

What fun does the fall bring?  New beginnings with great anticipation…fall I am ready.

Consider it Joy!

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds  [James 1:2 (NIV)]

Over the past couple of months I have been unable to sleep.  My minds races which makes it impossible to get a peaceful night’s sleep.  I guess some actions and recent conversations have solidified some some feelings I’d been having.  Maybe some prayers are being answered.

I am coming to realize that my happiness can only be determined by me.  I can’t depend on anyone to change my situation.  Change requires thoughts and actions.  All of which are all available to me. 

Yes, I know I have been upset, betrayed, hurt, crapped on, abused and disappointed.  Fine and acknowledged.  The problem is that I let these negatives define and affect my life.  I get so immersed in wanting and expecting to feel bad that sometimes I feel like my life is passing me by.

No more.  Today, I reclaim my life.  I know with and in my heart God has spared me.  I know that God loves me.

God challenges confirm that my comfort should not be in man but in God’s love, stability and faithfulness.

I am only taking one step today.  That’s all.  In my quiet moments, God’s word is “take care of yourself”.  I keep hearing the same profound word repeated to me daily.  Specifically, He tells me “take care of yourself and the rest will follow”.  I am going to stay still and listen to this message.

If only for just today I am considering it all joy!

A Look Back

I will be the first to admit that during the past decade I experienced probably the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  In 2000, I met the man that I would fall in love with, I would marry and have a child with.  The same man would ultimately deceive me and commit adultery.  At the end of the decade, we would be separated from mid 2008 to the present.

The separation and impeding divorce took a toll on me physically (gained 60 pounds), emotionally (boarderline obsessed with the whys & hows) and financially (savings depleted).  Many days I ached inside.  Many days I wondered if I truly would ever be happy.

On January 3, 2010 I can stand up and shout “I made it”. Yes, some days are rough but I made it.  And my fruit is my beautiful, intelligent, funny 5 year old daughter.  Looking and talking to her makes me realize that I did the right thing and that was saving me 1st.  I know that remaining in my marriage would have killed my soul.  She is a living, breathing testament to what I did and what I am doing right.

Also, credit must go to my fabulous mother, family and friends.  My support system embodies the phrase “ride or die”.  No matter what or when; they are always here for me.  Nothing is out of the question.  Adversity is a filter that helps deceifer those who really love you.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how my spirituality has grown in the last year.  I am seeking a strong relationship with God and I talk to Him everyday.  I am thankful!  Yes, I am thankful!  For it is now that I understand that even through this trial I am so very, very blessed.  It now I know how Faith & Favor works.  I now know the importance of living for oneself.

As Whi.tne.y sings “I’d thought I’d break but I didn’t know my own strength”. I am committing 2010 to renewal & rebuilding.  I am hoping that this blog will assist me in my journey.  I have started and restarted this blog on a couple of occasions but I am confident that the third will be THE CHARM.

Who’s that Lady?

She is a mother, daughter and lover

She is a writer, thinker and mentor

She is a seeker, worker and doer

She is…

She is humble.

She is scared.

She is anxious.

She is hurt.

She is going fight & win

She is going to achieve & conquer

She is going to move forward & be proud

She is going to find peace & find love

She is Me!

Simple Joy

For so much of my life I lived searching for joy. I believed joy were those Big things. Owning a home. Having a fabulous career. Buying a designer watch. Finding that special someone. Sharing your life with your spouse. Don’t get me wrong I have achieved many of those things. Looking back those things did not bring me sustained joy.

What I am learning is that joy comes from the simple things. Thinking of the simple, places a smile on my face every time.

Joy for me is:
~~the fullness of my daughter’s laughter
~~the warmth in my mom’s voice
~~the promise in the artwork of my daughter’s classmates
~~the realness of a Ji.ll S.cott lyric
~~the calming of a warm bubble bath
~~the excitement of a dear friend’s promotion
~~the taste of warm bacon
~~the humor of a text message from my best friend

Simple but all so special!  The following lyrics sum it up:

 “Now that I am in this joy I can rest. Now my heart can hold the love He has given me” Joy by Rash.aan P.atterson

Is My Mic On?

First, let me say that blogging is fascinating to me.  I can spend an entire day just lurking blog sites.  From fashion to culture. From motherhood to beauty.  From health to gossip.  I HEART blogging.

It  is just so interesting to read and follow someone’s every day life.  For me, blogging reinforces that my everyday struggles are not just mine.  There are many women dealing with divorce; struggling with weight; determining their future and enjoying the joy of single motherhood.

So with much thoughtfulness I have decided to recommit and rejoin the world of blogging.

Where do I go from here?  Well I would like to use this blog as MY online journal to chronicle my progress of being a women who is truly “living her life like platinum”.

I am sure that as both the blog and I evolve my Lulu lists’ will take on lives on their own.

Hugs!

It’s the Remix!

Hello World,

After spending much of the last few months reading and keeping up with soooo many different blogs I decided to return to blogging.

I have decided to restart this process and that of rebuilding my life by developing and laying out some concrete goals for 2009.

My goals are to:

~Lose 35 pounds
~Get my financial house in order.
~Find a healthy way to balance my personal and professional lives.

I’m so excited to take this first step. I’m naming it and claiming it. Victory will be mine.

Til’ tomorrow be breezy!

Lulu

Hello. Is anyone there?

I don’t know where to start.  I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head.  Cluttered, scattered and disjointed.  I can’t recall the beginning, I’m living in the middle and I’m horrified on how it may end.

My marriage is at a crossroads.  He has moved out, physically. In my heart he moved out a long time ago.  My heart hurts.  I’m wounded.  Most days are consumed as to how I’m going to make it.

He and I have known each other for close to 10 years.  We started dating in June 2000.  We were consumed by love.  It happened so fast.  Best friends.  Closer than close.  We spoke on the phone numerous times a day.  For years, he was the first and last person I spoke to each day.

We have a history.  The death of his Mom.  The death of my special 2nd Mommy.  The death of my beloved grandmom.  New jobs.  New homes.  The miscarriage at 5 months.  The vacations.  The new cars.  The holidays.  The wedding.  The birth of our beautiful daughter.

But woven into that history was a deep secret that was too deep for him to tell.  He knew it would crush me.  But I did find out.  His indiscretion chipped away at my core.  It robbed me of the joy that I deserved from my husband and more importantly he didn’t have the capacity or the humility to apologize.

The last three years have been a struggle.  But as a couple one can’t heal by themselves.  Because he decided to shut down, not talk and stand firmly in denial I turned to food and compulsive shopping to soothe my wounds.

I press on.  I press on for the little girl that relies on me everyday.  I press on to become the Magnificent Queen that God has planned for me to be.

Peace and joy are awaiting me I feel it deep in my soul.

Hello world!

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